Keep Calm and Untangle Your Tubing

I have had six days or mostly nights to think about this post. It could have had other titles like Guide to walking bow legged or Penis Pal.  All of these will be mentioned.  The first two words are really the key, calmness of mind but also total relaxation of all muscles.  There can be no pressing, pushing, tightening,flexing or gripping of the stomach area,. That said medicos have heard it all before. They have a job to do.  The plumbing is more complicated at night. There is a second bag on a much longer hose with more taps to work it all. One nurse insisted on pulling all this out in a long straight line.  Back here, dealing with the nights is crucial. I have been corralled in a recliner chair for the last four nights (one to go) and a lot of the day.  Manoeuvres are required to get the contraption moved from one leg to the other and back again. Some of the dont's -

• getting your weight on top of the bag 
• entwining the hose around a leg
• letting the straps slip so the whole thing is held by your penis
• cough, sneeze, move suddenly
• forget to empty it
• stop drinking water

Penis pain results from all of the above however I have not mentioned my Penis Pal.  Cleanliness helps as you can still pee down the outside of the tube and that hurts.  There is a relief tool, a rather vicious looking syringe device. I have two of these, one upstairs and one downstairs. It is not an injector but more an applicator. It is filled with a Lignocaine Gel that both lubricates and numbs. It requires a second person to use properly, as does most of these tasks.  Some of the things that have helped are 

• wifely assistant 
• breaking the task into components  
• perfectly timed cricket match 
• lots of fruit
• stamp distractions
• taking a slow time for each task

I think this is the first time ever I have not missed a single ball of a 5 day test match.  Overall this problem can be managed but I wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy.

Penis Pal